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Tilly and Elmer

Tilly’s Christmas Surprise



Gene Clements



Illustrations and Cover Design

Gene Clements



Pickleworks Press

Tilly and Elmer

Tilly’s Christmas Surprise

By Gene Clements



This is a work of fiction. Events, places, characters or names are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. Any references to historical events, places, or real people are used fictitiously.



Copyright 2018 Gene Clements

Smashwords Edition



Discover other titles by Gene Clements at Smashwords.com



Smashwords Edition, License Notes

“This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.



Author’s Note:

These fictional stories chronicle the romantic, usually erotic, and almost always humorous, adventures of Tilly and Elmer, a midwestern couple in their late sixties. They’ve been married for close to fifty years, and would appear to the casual observer to be the definition of an “old married couple”. But while they ARE a couple, AND married, they don’t consider themselves OLD. In fact, they still feel like teenagers most of the time, although sometimes events remind them that they aren’t quite as athletic, skinny, or flexible, as they were five decades ago. No matter. They try to recapture their youth anyway; and when they can’t quite recapture it, they at least give it a good chase. Along the way, they have some fun and get themselves into, and usually out of, some humorous situations. What they’ve lost over the years in body tone, they have gained in expertise, imagination, and good humor. Tilly and Elmer would never want to shock anyone, but what could be more shocking than an erotic story where the protagonists are shocked when they hear others use profanity?

I’m primarily a visual artist and began writing these stories almost by accident, so it was natural for me to add illustrations to accompany the text. Tilly is a little shy about some of the illustrations, but Elmer is often turned on by them, although he doesn’t mention this to Tilly.

I hope you enjoy Tilly and Elmer’s company as much as I do; if you do, you’ll be happy to know this episode is part of a series.

Gene Clements



Tilly’s Christmas Surprise

Gene Clements



“Christmas is almost here, Elmer!” Tilly announced.

“How could that be? Halloween was just two days ago, Tilly!”

“Right, and here’s my first Christmas catalogue in the mail. It’s from ‘Luxurious Landfill!’ ”

Naturally, Tilly found a number of irresistibly cute items as she thumbed through the glossy pages: clever table decorations, tiny flashlights, female sex toys, picnic supplies.

Tilly involuntarily checked her surroundings and turned back to the sex toy page that was casually slipped in between labor saving cleaning contrivances and garden gnomes.

She and Elmer were no strangers to the fun that could be had with what used to be called “marital aids”, and it occurred to her that the phallus shaped vibrating device she kept in the drawer of her nightstand was rather old fashioned. To be honest, her trusty toy had seen better days, and even a quick perusal of the items on offer revealed that a lot of innovation and creativity had gone into the design of these devices since she had previously purchased a personal plastic penis.

Tilly was intrigued with the sculptural shapes, soft surfaces, and recharging features of the latest high-tech sex toys. Some were even capable of connecting to the Internet, however, Tilly doubted that she’d want to send anyone an email while she was using a dildo so this feature seemed unnecessary to her. While her old plaything was unambiguously shaped like a protruding part of the male anatomy, these new models looked like soft and colorful Brâncuși sculptures. Tilly closed her eyes for a brief, imaginary road test of the latest styles in these pleasure-producing products and decided it might be time to trade in the old standby for a sportier model featuring a streamlined design and more nimble handling.

She knew Elmer wouldn’t object to this acquisition since they often incorporated curious objects into their bedroom frolics and, from time to time, Elmer was even the primary beneficiary of her favorite device. Tilly also knew that buying the item herself would be rather unromantic and might suggest that she intended to save it for use in Elmer’s absence. It would be much more romantic and intimate if she could subtly make Elmer think this would make a thoughtful Christmas gift for her. “Let the hints begin,” she thought!

Tilly folded the corner of the dildo page down and left the catalogue open on the coffee table.

As was his custom at this time of year, Elmer soon began complaining to Tilly that he had no ideas about what to get her for Christmas.

“Need a hint?” she asked.

“It can’t hurt!” he said.

“Well, I do have something in mind. We have an old one, but I hear the new ones are much better.”

Elmer looked around. “Is it something we use here in the living room?” he asked.

“We certainly COULD use it in here!” Tilly said smiling. Elmer noticed her glance toward the sofa but couldn’t remember using any electronic device there. Elmer’s usual spot on the sofa had a small dusting of cracker crumbs; could that be a clue?

“How are the new ‘whatever-it-ises’ different than what we have now?”

“They’re much more powerful and colorful! Plus, they’re rechargeable and I get so frustrated when the batteries run out when I’m using the old one”

“It sounds like we’re talking about a mechanical device?”

“A magical and marvelous mechanical appliance that eases the burdens of women everywhere!” Tilly said, possibly overdramatizing the virtues of her anticipated gift.

“Women everywhere use this device?”

“Lots of women use it whenever they need a little ‘pick-me-up’!”

“ ‘A little pick-me-up’ you say!” Elmer said.

He sat down on the sofa and saw the catalogue in which Tilly had turned down the corner of the page. “Hmmm!” he thought, “She doesn’t need an electronic garden gnome, even though they are pretty cute!”

“Is this something you’d use every day?” he asked.

“I doubt I’d need to use it every day. And usually you take care of the situation, but you don’t always recognize the problem so I have to take care of it myself. Actually, I think you secretly like using this device too and afterwards, everyone feels better.”

Elmer wrestled with the problem. What do they use that needs replacing? Something that would take care of a recurring situation and make everyone feel better when they needed a “pick-me-up?” He looked at the catalogue again and suddenly it was clear what Tilly was getting at!



Elmer was quite proud of his cleverness. When the time came, he took care to wrap Tilly’s gift to disguise what it might be.

Elmer smiled to himself. “I’ll bet she didn’t think I’d be able to figure out what she was hinting at!” he thought.



It was their custom on Christmas morning to unwrap their presents to each other together before the rest of the family arrived; some past Christmases had featured rather intimate gifts that neither wanted to have to explain to their children. Elmer unwrapped his gift first and laughed out loud when he found a pair of boxer shorts with a life sized photo of the back of Tilly’s head printed on the front. “You always know just what I want, don’t you!” he said, giving her a kiss and donning his new underwear.

He handed Tilly her gift. “It’s bigger than I expected!” she said.

“I always know just what you want too, my dear!” Elmer said.

Tilly felt a little tingle of anticipation as she opened her present. She unwrapped the paper carefully to prolong the suspense, and, as expected, she was quite surprised. Elmer had gotten her the most colorful and sporty Dust Buster she had ever seen.

“Thank you, Elmer,” she said once she recovered her composure. “This IS quite a surprise.”

“Well, when you said women used it when they needed a pick-me-up, what else could it have been?”

Making the best of the situation, she playfully applied her device to the front of his new boxer shorts.

“You like what’s in my drawers, don’t you Tilly?

“Of course I do!” she said.

I think you’ll like what’s in your drawers too.”

Tilly opened the top drawer of the nightstand on her side of the bed and found the most sculptural, colorful, and powerful vibrator she had ever seen, along with an elegant brand of “personal lubricant”.

“Oh my god, Elmer!” she said. “This is shocking!”

“What’s shocking? That I would buy you a device you might like better than me?” he laughed.

“No, that you understood what I was hinting at! Let’s try it out!”

“You know the kids will be here in a couple of hours!” he warned.

“This isn’t going to take two hours, Elmer!”

“Elmer reached into the top drawer of his nightstand. Check this out!” he said.

He pressed a button on a small remote control.

“Oh my goodness! You can turn it on from across the room?”

“I can turn it, and you, on from anywhere in the world with a wi-fi connection!”

“I love you, Elmer. And, for the record, you could always turn me on from anywhere even without a wi-fi connection!”

About the Author:

Gene Clements is an artist, architect, and educator. He began the Tilly and Elmer series by writing the first couple of paragraphs of a story about a frisky older couple. His friends thought they were funny and wanted to know how the story ended. Now they know, for better or worse.

Gene grew up in a small town in the Midwest although he now lives in California. He thinks he’s eighteen, but he’s really the same age as Tilly and Elmer. These stories aren’t necessarily autobiographical. Gene knows a lot of interesting people and has a prolific imagination; a dangerous combination.

Tilly and Elmer's Web Site

You can read more about Tilly and Elmer, or contact Tilly, Elmer, or Gene at:

http://tillyandelmer.com

or on Facebook at:

https://www.facebook.com/tillyandelmer

Other Titles in the Tilly and Elmer series:

As soon as Tilly pulls the latest issue of “Women’s Excitement” magazine out of her shopping bag, and begins to read the romantic advice article, “Four Ways to Drive your Man Crazy in the Bedroom”, she and Elmer are propelled unexpectedly into a shocking mélange of dancing and Dr. Pepper, melon balls and bacon, panties and peacock feathers, corsets and dog collars. In the end, they each succeed in driving the other crazy, but they have fun on the way, and so will the reader.

Critics have called this episode the best “Tilly and Elmer” since the last “Tilly and Elmer”. High praise indeed!



Move over Dr. Zhivago. Step aside, Boris Pasternak. Don’t even think about it, Omar Sharif.

Unknown author, Gene Clements, has created a frigid love story covering fifty years of romantic hardships, set against harsh Midwestern winters and bruised by lumpy, snow covered woodlands. You’ll smile as the young Matilda cleverly ensnares a teenaged Elmer in a web of sexual desire, gasp as she nearly freezes to death as the result of a clumsy romantic gesture, blush as it’s revealed who else knows his secret, recoil at his heartbreaking attempt, a half century later, to reprise a lifelong yearning, and find your spirits lifted (especially if you have a stiff drink in hand) by the story’s touching climax.

Warning:

1. After reading this arctic romance, some readers have found themselves attempting to suppress an inward desire to speed up global warming.

2. Due to the icy nature of the work, it is recommended that it only be read during the summer, with the air conditioner turned off. This strategy can help neutralize the frigidity of the writing, help save the planet, and lower your electric bill.



And Now … Soon to be a major motion picture ...

What the critics are saying:

"Except for the first paragraph, I couldn't understand a word of it. And what's a carburetor?"

M. C.

"This man is sick."

D. O.

"The best 'Tilly and Elmer' I've ever read..."

B. O.

"I'm thinking of sending the author my Nobel Prize ... but not the money."

A. M.

"I couldn't stop crying..."

J. B.

"Pure trash. An example of what's wrong with America..."

J. D.



It's here! The newest blockbuster from soon to be unheralded author, Gene Clements. “Tilly and Elmer go to Their Fiftieth High School Reunion” is the vast and complex tale of a bitter fifty year rivalry that suddenly erupts in an explosion of shocking facial expressions; of unfulfilled dreams lost, and weight gained. A thrilling story of foreplay under the moonlight and carnal lust imagined under cool white fluorescent lighting.

You’ll thrill to the clumsy drawings and inept writing of what critics have called the author’s best work since “What I Liked Best About our Field Trip to the Chuckles Candy Factory” from fourth grade. So find a comfy chair, fix yourself a tall gin and tonic, and settle in for three minutes of the best reading you’ve experienced since you pitched out the junk mail a few minutes ago.



Elmer and Tilly fans, all three of them, are in for a treat. Still inept writer, Gene Clements, has outdone himself with this molten cocktail of fluid bodies and bodily fluids.

In “Skinny-Dipping Scandal”, a promising summer morning turns into an afternoon of viscous debauchery when an oblivious Tilly and Elmer find themselves unexpectedly flushed into a whirlpool of depravity. This epic story flows over sun drenched skin, cascades across naked bodies splashed with torrents of natural fluids, spurts over copious juices massaged into secret places, and meanders silently around inundated lovers. Warm, golden hued, but repulsive liquids are splattered onto bare flesh and unwisely consumed. Human emissions dribble down unwilling faces and drip from silent lips. Young fingers produce a gush of hot nectar to be swallowed in spite of rumored health risks. Trans fat saturated products flood undammed into eager, unclothed bellies. The shocking mortification of the ending will have you clutching your throat and reaching for the gin and Pepto-Bismol.

Not for the faint of heart, this story may leave you afraid to leave the house, whether your destination is the woods, or your local diner.

Caution: Do not drink coffee while reading the final four paragraphs.



From its opening revelation at an innocent card party, Truck Tryst is a riveting look at an afternoon that changed the evening plans, and perhaps their plans for many evenings to come, for a couple of sixty eight year old Midwesterners. Bored with the routine of their lives, Tilly and Elmer embark on a dangerous expedition, the unlikely vehicle for which is a 1952 Chevy pick up truck which remains parked in the driveway throughout the trip. Even though the journey covers no distance at all, along the way we learn about concession, limberness lost, misfortune, and the power of love to make everything feel good in the end.

From commonplace circumstances, Clements has woven together a story that covers the grand themes of American literature; secrets revealed, conflict and compromise, the great journey, and tragedy leading to new discoveries. The author has an uncanny ability to penetrate into the darkest recesses of human desire and not find anything of interest.



In this sizzling story of summer in the Midwest, Gene Clements has written the hottest Tilly and Elmer yet. Elmer and his friend Eddie go fishing in hopes of keeping cool on a hot Iowa afternoon, while Tilly plans to enjoy the heat by reading a pornographic novel. Her afternoon gets even hotter when Johnson, a young arborist, comes to trim the oak tree in her backyard. Tilly's offer of a cool gin and tonic fails to cool things off, and by the end of the afternoon, things have gotten hotter, wetter, and stickier than she expected. Not that she has any complaints, at least until the morning after, when she has to replant the bed of maidenhair ferns next to the garage.



When Tilly and Elmer decide to expand their horizons by taking some classes at the local community college, their horizons, and their local notoriety, expand a lot more than they had in mind. By the end of the semester, everyone in town is talking about the esthetic qualities of Elmer’s nude body and Tilly’s talent for kissing.



Tilly and Elmer like to spice up their love life now and then with a mildly risky romp, but their decision to enjoy a quickie before their guests arrive cuts the margin of safety just a little too close for comfort this time.





Far out man! Tilly plans a train trip from South Branch to San Francisco so she can show Elmer all the wonderful places - and activities - she enjoyed there during her college days nearly fifty years before. Elmer thinks it's groovy when Tilly takes him to his first nude beach, introduces him to marijuana, and shows him a secluded beach where nothing is forbidden.





Want more Tilly and Elmer? "Coming of Age in South Branch" is the novel length reminiscence of their High School romance. All 11 stories in the Tilly and Elmer FlashbackX series, brought together under one cover. 60,000 words, 75 illustrations, lots of fun! Tilly and Elmer, sexagenarians from Iowa, reminisce about their high school dating years - the clumsy first date, the surprise of falling in love, and the glorious but worrisome hands-on version of sex-ed in the 60’s. Sweet, funny, nostalgic, and a little dirty. Sometimes more than a little.



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